“I Can’t Change, Even If I Tried, even If I Wanted Too”, I tried for 17 years, I prayed, I cried.

25 Oct

For 17 years I hated who I was. I worked almost everyday to try to change who I was. I wanted desperately to change. I tried desperately on a daily basis. I wrote about it in my journal for 5 years. I wish I had known all those years ago that ultimately I would fail. My failure broke my heart night after night.

I was failing myself, my family, and my God. That was all I understood and that was not fair.

When I was at Brigham Young University completing my studies to be a clinical social worker. I was taught a very important lesson about homosexual relationships. This was not long ago. I graduated with my MSW in 1998.

The teachers asked me to imagine myself old kissing another man and to imagine the revulsion I would feel once the excitement of sex wore off. They taught that Gays and Lesbians are trapped in an unsustainable relationship. That two men or two women could never spend their life in love with each other.

The picture the Masters of Social Work Program at Brigham Young University portrayed of GLBT couples was one of disgust. I know I was there. I sat in those class rooms heated with discussion over the state of Hawaii proposal to pass gay marriage.

The Mormon church was more worried about losing federal funding if gay marriage gets legalized than they are about the lives they destroy with their archaic beliefs.

Those words in the lyrics of this song are true, “I can’t change, even if I tried, even if I wanted too”.

When I stopped trying to change my life exploded with excitement and love. I found a love so divine within myself I was amazed and that love, real love still flows today.

Now, more than 12 years after the divorce and more than 10 years in a relationship with a man. I see the beauty we offer each other. The companionship we share. It all started in Hawaii 10 years ago.

Bill and I have been in love for over a decade, “I can’t change, hell I why should we?”

Please share this video……let’s change the way people view gay and lesbian couples.


1 Comment

Posted by on October 25, 2012 in Uncategorized


One response to ““I Can’t Change, Even If I Tried, even If I Wanted Too”, I tried for 17 years, I prayed, I cried.

  1. Melinda

    June 13, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    I’m happy you found love. I don’t understand why anyone has a problem with LGBT relationships, they do not affect anyone. My straight neighbors downstairs have have just as much influence on my life as the gay couple upstairs, which is none. I wish people would just stop trying to dictate how others should love..yet those same people are opposed to dictatorships. The whole point of a “free country” is to be, well, free.

    Wishing you another decade of love =)


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